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About 15 years ago I fell into a playing slump. I had stopped doing my daily routines and started relying on freelance work and playing in student lessons to stay in shape. Over time my horn playing suffered, and it showed.
I did not fully realize it at the time but deep down, I was struggling with anxiety and depression. It is easy to recognize this now, but at the time I was stuck in a rut and had no idea.
Medication
I knew something was off. I felt ashamed for whatever it was and tried to keep it a secret. Through sheer will power, I told myself, these feelings would pass.
My recovery began with:
- recognizing this behavior as a problem
- talking to doctors
- taking medication
- adopting new habits & routines
Beta blockers
Beginning in college, I controlled performance anxiety with beta blockers. From the article “Musicians Use Beta Blockers as Performing Enhancing Drugs:”
“Beta blockers have been common in classical music since the 1970s. Originally prescribed to treat high blood pressure, they became performance enablers when it became clear that Inderal (the brand name) controlled stage fright. As long ago as 1987, a study of the 51 largest orchestras in the U.S. found one in four musicians using them to improve their live performances, with 70 percent of those getting their pills illicitly.”
I continued to use Inderal on-and-off until my mid-30s. I was afraid of what my colleagues would think and kept my use a secret.
Antidepressants
Fast forward to my mid-40s.
My anxiety and depression spun out of control. I was prescribed an antidepressant and ended up taking it for about four years.
Taking “head meds” for the first time can be scary. It can take time for your body to adapt. You may have doubts and start second-guessing everything you do.
It might take a while to get settled. You may experience unexpected side effects. You may need to change dosage amounts, or switch to a different medication entirely.
Keeping a journal and talking openly to other people about your mental state can be very helpful. There is nothing shameful or wrong with having anxiety issues, asking for help, or taking anxiety medications.
Routines
Maintaining daily routines can help. In his “Deeper insights” series, John Ericson writes about his son, who is handicapped and relies on routines.
In his article on anxiety, he writes:
“To get to more of a quality life, meds have helped and we have to keep him on routines. This point we can all apply to our performances, actually. We are less anxious when we have routines and stick to them. Over time you develop different tracks and parallel routines. Concert days have their track that is different than a practice day.”
Related to this, in “Routines, and the Better Horn Players” John closes with:
“…good horn players likely also have a strong sense of routines in how they organize their life. I’m sure there are exceptions, but I suspect that many of the top horn players do crave routines on some level.”
Personal examples
These days I live my life by a cycle of routines and sub-routines: for work, my diet, exercise, and horn playing. They are my lifeblood, the reasons for which I will get into in a future article.
Examples include:
- morning walk
- prepare and eat breakfast
- 15-20 minutes of mouthpiece practice
- 60 minutes of warmups & technical exercises
- prepare and eat lunch
- 15-30 minute nap or quiet meditation
- prepare and eat afternoon snack
- 60-90 minutes of physical exercise
- prepare and eat dinner
- 60-90 minutes of playing music
- prepare for bed and sleep
Obsessing over daily habits and routines can backfire and trigger yet more anxiety. Stay open and flexible with routines. Adapt when necessary. Tomorrow will be another day.
Artistic performance is holistic
Feeling anxious, bored, or distracted when practicing or performing?
Start your detective work by taking a look in the mirror. Ask questions. Examine your daily habits and routines for clues. Think deeply about past experiences, and how they might be having an effect.
Do not keep your worries a secret! Talk openly to trusted friends, colleagues, teachers, spiritual guides, and medical professionals. There is no shame in wanting to improve yourself and needing help when doing so.
SEE ALSO:
Routines, and the Better Horn Players
Deeper Insights
