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What follows is a parody, an absolute farce. But take heed dear reader; as bizarre as this tale may seem, it contains a kernel of truth here and there – things to think about later.
Let the story begin.
Mouthpieces. Sometimes when I am doubting myself, I reach into my vast collection in search of answers:
- Will this rim help with my endurance?
- Will this deeper cup open up my low range?
- Maybe this one will have the magic I need…
- Or this one… no, this one…
One afternoon, while spinning the mouthpiece wheel of doom, I gazed deeply into my custom Ion Balu abalone valve caps and it struck me.
Those aren’t valve caps. They are eyes… and, they are looking at me.
“B-r-r-u-u-u-u-ce…” they whisper in unison. Wait… what?
I pause for a moment and become very still. Am I hallucinating? No, this is insane. You can’t do this. No Bruce… don’t do it…this is not right…
The effect was almost immediate; I felt… different. It was as if a wall of glass, steel, and concrete had come crashing down and now, at last, I could finally see. I was in another universe, breathing in fresh air from a place both familiar and unfamiliar.
I slowly move forward. Lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce, is an entity. I can feel it.
“M-M-M-MAUOWWTH-PEE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-S-S-S-S-S-S-s-s-s-s-s-s…”
A blue-skinned creature appears. It has cold, metallic eyes. Are those mouthpiece rims for nostrils?
I cannot speak or move. I tell myself that there is something to this. I sense a deeper purpose.
“I am The Watcher,” it whispers. It taps my forehead and I feel warmth, radiating from head to toe. “You are Mouthpiece Man. Now go. Be kind and fair, but be vigilant.”
A gentle breeze howls as The Watcher, in its magnificence, slowly fades away.
“What is happening?” I ask myself. Questioning my sanity, I take out my smartphone and snap a quick selfie. I am shocked at the results.
The pain is too much. I weep and wail, screaming in agony, wringing my hands and beating my chest.
“People will laugh at me! Are these mouthpieces fangs or tusks? I look like a CONFUSED WALRUS!! This is not a gift, it is a CURSE!!”
After a few minutes of this, I take some time to catch my breath. If this is indeed my destiny, I tell myself, I should just move on and get to work.
I gather my wits and venture out into the world, born anew as Mouthpiece Man, ready to enforce a unique and special brand of justice.
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Do not mock Mouthpiece Man.
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Forget your mouthpiece AND dare to be snarky about it?
* * * * * * * * *
The downfall and defeat of Mouthpiece Man.
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