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In a previous article, I told the story of how I came to study with my mentor, Milan Yancich.
At the time I felt broken, both as a musician and human being. Worth exploring further is an overview of the events that lead to this, and how it might relate to others in current times.
Ups and downs
When I was a young kid learning to play the horn, my identity became quickly wrapped up and connected to my horn playing. It was my refuge from a troubled home life, like a warm blanket giving comfort on a cold night.
The picture above is the home where I grew up. It is from Google Maps, and the house looks almost exactly how I left it in the 1980’s – a small home, with paper-thin walls.
When I was starting out on the horn, my mother was still recovering from a difficult divorce. Above and beyond this, the whole family was continually learning on how to support a sister who was born with severe physical and intellectual disabilities.
Over time, my practice sessions evolved into an escape from reality – a coping mechanism.
I would hide myself in my room, playing Kopprasch studies and Mozart concertos. I would burrow myself in the first volume of the 335 Selected Melodious Progressive & Technical Studies for Horn. I would listen to recordings borrowed from local libraries, for hours on end.
This was all that I had in terms of study materials. Fortunately for me however, I also had an active imagination. Sometimes I would compose my own etudes and solos, spending hours (or days) working on them.
These materials, while limited, went a long way towards expanding my mind as a budding musician.
An encounter with a bully
Taking my horn home on the school bus would sometimes paint me as a target for bullies – the trouble-makers that sat in the back of the bus with nothing better to do.
One time a bully and his gang exited the bus at my stop and followed me home. The leader taunted me along the way with comments like “hey kid… what’s that? A tuba, or a toilet?”
At one point, he yanked the horn case from my hands and set it upright on the ground with the bell area facing upwards. He sat on the bell area and starting making flatulent noises, as if he were using the toilet.
It was a terrible thing at the time but in another universe, it could make great material for a comedy-based television series. I have to hand it to the kid – it was a creative insult.
Eyes wide shut
Moving on to my freshman year at a major music conservatory, my identity as a person had become completely intertwined with my instrument. Playing my horn was an escape from the world, a defense mechanism to help me cope with adversity.
I imagine that for some young people, who might feel lost in the woods for one reason or another, this idea might resonate.
When I was eventually rejected by my CT (“Cruel Teacher”), I mistakenly equated failure on the horn with failure as a human being. Because these two things were inextricably connected in my mind at the time, I was devastated.
In hindsight, I now realize how extremely fortunate I was to have landed in Milan Yancich’s studio. The man quite literally saved my soul, with a well thought-out method, kind words, and a terrific sense of humor.
Final thoughts
The negative events that I mention above are far behind me now. I write about them here not to elicit sympathy so much as to illustrate how complex a young person’s life might be when they seek out help and guidance from a mentor.
This train of thought might also apply to adults who have reached a point in their lives where reflection, and perhaps even change, is needed.
For teachers:
Be aware that students who come to you for guidance may have personal issues under the surface that are affecting their music performance. While the lesson studio is definitely not an appropriate place for mental health therapy, it can function as a safe place where students can feel free to talk about what is going on inside their heads.
Beyond this, most schools and universities these days have mental health counseling services. If you feel that your college-aged student needs these services, it is your duty as their mentor to guide them in that direction. If the student is of high school age or younger, a private discussion with a parent might be appropriate.
For students:
A supportive teacher, that has your best interests in mind, may ask if you are OK and may perhaps even guide you on how to distance yourself as a person from your music-making. If they don’t ask, you should perhaps think about bringing it up yourself.
If this stimulates a thoughtful and supportive conversation, you are in a good place. If you feel ignored, patronized, or belittled, do not doubt your feelings. It may be a signal to move on.
A few other ideas to think about:
- Take a day off per week from practicing and do something else: hang out with your friends, take a hike in the woods, go see a movie in a theatre, enjoy a nice meal, etc.
- Consider a taking up a hobby – something interesting and captivating that will occupy your mind with a different passion. A good example of this is a certain friend and colleague of mine, who loves his trains.
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NEXT: The Enduring Enigma of Dale Clevenger
Other posts in this series:
- Music-Making and Personal Identity
- Cruel Teacher, or Demanding Teacher?
- The Enduring Enigma of Dale Clevenger
- Response to “Clevenger Enigma”
- Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing – A Cautionary Tale on Predators and the Cult Mindset, Part I
- Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing – A Cautionary Tale on Predators and the Cult Mindset, Part II
