Long ago, my great teacher Professor J. Windbaag gave me a great piece of advice that I follow to this very day.

Listening is for chumps, doing it is for champs.

While at the time I did not fully understand what he meant by this, over time I have learned the true wisdom behind his sage advice.

Chumps and champs

Going to concerts? That’s for chumps. 

Performing concerts? That’s for champs.

Why would I want to go hear a live concert when I know all the day-in and day-out details already? Listening to all those clams and out-of-tune chords from the audience just gives me indigestion and sweaty palms.

Why should I put myself through another performance of a Beethoven, Mozart or Mahler symphony when I have played those pieces dozens of times?

Besides, I already have intimate knowledge of most of the players involved: who is sleeping with whom, who is drunk or high on some thing or another, who is a womanizer, who is completely off their rocker, etc. etc. How could one possibly listen to this rabble without thinking about how off-balance these people are in real life?

For example – oh that poor second oboe player and his intonation issues. How are those beta-blockers working out for you? They don’t seem to help with your out-of-tune octaves now do they?

I can’t help but think about things like this when sitting out in an audience bored out of my mind. What is the point of even bothering? I am better than this and have better things to do.

Listening to recordings? That’s what chumps do.

Making music? That’s what champs do!

With all my students who are working on new music I tell them to not listen to other performances until they have found their own voice inside.

We all know that recordings are fictionalized hogwash – slabs of beef thrown together like a meatloaf packaged to look like a filet mignon. It’s a dream fantasy that does not reflect reality. Listening to this drivel just fills a student’s head with fairy tales. And besides, it only takes them away from their own inner path.

The hard reality is that all great music comes from the inside. This is at the heart of what my great teacher Professor Windbaag taught me and this is what I pass on to my students and anyone else who is smart enough to listen. Your inner voice will only come through if you look for it internally. All that outside influence is just noise as far as I am concerned.

You either have “it” or you don’t and no amount of listening to live concerts or pre-recorded music is going to change that. The world is full of harsh truths and it seems that I am the only one brave enough to call it as I see it.

OK enough of this, I have a gig to get to.

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While working on this excerpt I remembered a neat performance trick – one that can be very helpful to a first horn player (more on that later).

For the woodshed

Since this passage is written with a blank key signature and no accidentals it is excellent fodder for transposition study. Adding in creative articulation and rhythmic variations offers additional levels of technical challenges.

Click for a larger view.

My own cyclical practice on this excerpt began slowly and without the written repeats. Gradually and over time the repeats were added in while the tempo gained momentum and speed. My worst key is concert D-flat major. The high A-flat on my horn is a little slippery on the octave skips.

Decomposing Bach

Like the bonus notes in Dvorak’s 7th symphony, this is one of those traditions that gets spread by word-of-mouth. I can’t remember where I learned this little performance trick but I imagine that it is common knowledge among many, if not most, seasoned pros.

It provides a small respite for the principal horn, the tiniest amount of breathing space in what is otherwise a workout on the chops. The good news too is that even with a score and a pair of great ears, most conductors will not notice.

The trick I speak of involves a little re-orchestrating of notes between the two horns, in two specific spots:

• mm. 13 – 14
• mm. 29 – 30

This is a trick geared for performance situations and of course, it would not pass muster at an audition (unless it is specifically asked for).

Measures 13 and 14

The original passage.

This passage can be taxing on any principal player and on the second repeat especially, the one-octave c2 to c3 jump might start to feel a little taller than usual.

When re-orchestrated:

This re-orchestration offers the first horn player a tiny bit of security and ease, in that:

• The one-octave c2 to c3 leap is eliminated.
• The peak high note arrives through a steady succession of ascending quarter notes.

Measure 29 and 30

The original passage.

The same passage re-orchestrated.

Once again a simple re-arranging of existing notes eliminates a potential tipping point for the first horn. All the advantages stated in the first example hold true here as well, and with a little practice no one will be the wiser as to what is going on.

Plan in advance

This is a great trick to know about and for myself it was very helpful in pulling off a successful performance. That being said, strong consideration must be given to the second horn player. This trick – as clever as it is on paper – presents that player with more notes to play than what is printed. It also takes away a few breathing opportunities.

Be sure to discuss this passage well in advance of the first rehearsal. It is a team effort that requires a good spirit to execute effectively.

BB1 at hornexcerpts.org

For more on Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto No. 1 take a look over at Daren Robbin’s Orchestral Horn Excerpts site.

• Bach: Brandenburg Concerto No. 1 excerpts

Of particular interest to myself were the audio samples in this excerpt. Many of them are done with period instruments and comparing tunings, tempos and articulations is particularly interesting. In at least one recording it seems apparent that the players utilized the same trick as spelled out in this article.

*All examples are excerpted from the IMSLP web site under the auspices of fair use.

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The Jaded Clam Award

Quirky personalities are more-or-less a fact of life in the classical music profession. For non-musicians and students, it can almost seem like a dirty secret when the dramas behind-the-scenes are discovered.

A prevailing thought among spectators is that because music is performed so harmoniously, professional musicians must all get along like peas in a pod. On the surface this seems like a very logical assumption.

Yet, some musicians – especially those unaccustomed to or sheltered from social morays and business norms – exhibit a fair amount of temperamental and odd behaviors that in any other work environment would have serious repercussions.

From a deeply-jaded, professional French horn player named Archibald K. Noodlefish, here are some “tips” on how to make the best of a bad attitude.

Rehearsal tips
from the venerable Archibald K. Noodlefish

1.) Play with a smart-phone.
Let’s be honest – rehearsals are boring!

How can one possibly expect to pay attention for that long and stay on task? Most of the stuff being said does not relate to me personally, so I might as well zone out and get some Facebook time.

2.) Complain about everything.
Life is one constant disappointment after another and I like to remind everyone around me about that fact.

My opinion is fair and honest and people need to hear it. Some might say that I have a negative attitude, but I would like to think that I am just being truthful.

3.) Empty tuning slides with passionate rage.
So what if yanking out my slides sounds like coins dropping into a tin bucket?

What is the problem with blowing condensation out with hurricane force? Who cares if I spin my horn around like a drunken acrobat?

I must get that water out and sometimes it needs to happen quickly – at any cost. It’s an occupational hazard really and some people simply do not understand what I have to go through to get this done.

4.) Socialize during rehearsals.
I have important things to say and catching up to do with my buddies. So what if I giggle and goof around when the conductor is rehearsing the strings? They should just have a string sectional and let me go home.

5.) Be a “Don Juan.”
Life is short and I need to get all the romance and attention I deserve.

Dating other musicians in the group I work with makes things much easier. If it eventually doesn’t work out, I will just move on to someone else and try that out for a while.

What harm is there in that?

Archibald K. Noodlefish, Hornist Extraordinare

6.) Show immediate appreciation after every solo entrance a colleague executes correctly.
It is important to support my colleagues when they get something right and they need to know that I support them. Telling them in person afterward is just too much effort; there is not enough time during work to do that.

Shuffling feet, thrusting out a leg or making kiss-kiss noises are all good options worth exploring. Of course if they mess up I will not shuffle or signal any kind of approval.

That would be silly and disrespectful!

In any case I am fairly sure that the sudden void of praise will go completely unnoticed. Besides, I will just make up for it next time with an even bigger acknowledgment.

Maybe I should wave a flag or shoot off fireworks?

7.) Avoid eye contact with the boss.
I can see the Maestro just fine in my peripheral vision. The guy is a bit leery of me anyway so I might as well take advantage of his insecurity and ignore his attempts to control me. That dirty bastard…

8.) Bark commands. Give dirty looks.
Rehearsals are done in a rush! Who has time for manners and politeness?

I take it personally when mistakes are made. If someone around me is doing something wrong I let them know right away and in as few words as possible in order to save time.

Sometimes a facial expression alone – one that looks like I just tasted cow manure and accidentally saw my parents having sex – lets people know that I disapprove.

Also, do not underestimate the power of sarcastic eye rolls and loud, exasperated sighs filled with bitter angst. Oh my goodness, those are precious art forms in themselves!

(He chuckles to himself for a moment, then gets serious.)

If the recipient of my feedback cannot handle an intense appreciation for rehearsal efficiency that is their problem, not mine. They just need to get a thicker skin and toughen up.

9.) Play a little louder and a little longer than everyone else.
I create dulcet tones and lovely art when I play. It is imperative that everyone hears and appreciates my Art.

Need I say more?

10.) Park your chair in someone’s line of sight.
I absolutely need to see the Maestro and sometimes I need to move my chair around to get the best view.

The people behind me are not important and I do not need to acknowledge their presence or their need to see the conductor. They can adjust their chairs around me.

11.) Avoid saying things like hello, how are you?, good morning or good-bye.
I see my colleagues every day – sometimes two or three times! They are not going anywhere, so I might as well take advantage of this and spend that time warming-up or playing with my smart-phone.

Besides, I dislike most of those people anyway!

Warmest wishes for a successful and memory-filled career,
Archie K.

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Every fine horn player has experienced some poor audition results. These experiences are an essential part of how we learn to play a good audition, both by learning how to better prepare the elements we can control and recognizing better the elements we can’t control.

As the semester begins college students all over have taken or are taking seating auditions for chairs in ensembles at their schools. For a wide variety of reasons some will have bad auditions or for reasons out of their control get poor seatings.

Do less than desired audition results mean you should quit horn? I would say no. Horn students who succeed are the ones who when they fall down get back up and keep trying to do their best. Over time you learn preparation tactics that will work for you and also the audition situation itself gets more and more familiar and comfortable.

Unfortunately, there are players who find it hard to keep going for whatever reasons. To varying degrees I have seen it in most every audition I have ever been a part of as a student or as a professional.

For some players I do recognize that a change of direction career-wise would be in order; talking everything over with mentors is very important. But, without getting into any specifics, I would just encourage those out there that have had bad audition results, don’t over react. Pick yourself up and try to figure out what you need to do to have a better result next time.

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Do horn clams scare you?

Oh yeah? …how about Outer Space Zombie Clams?!

If so, you might enjoy this old-style shooter game I developed a while ago.

Use the keyboard to play:

• arrow direction keys = move up, down and side-to-side your horn cannon

• space bar = fire your clam-destroying blaster bolts

• P = pause the game

Hints

• This is a classic-style top-down shooter – your Horn is at the bottom – you can move it up and down, as well as side-to-side.

• Objects to shoot will move downwards from the top of the screen.

• Look out for asteroids or bonus goodies.

• Do not shoot the goodies! The super-awesome Special Weapon is a one-time bonus only. Shoot it and it is gone.

• The Flash Player plugin is required.

Click the image below to play.

(Click NEW GAME to begin.)

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The Vienna Phil.’s sound was extraordinary, of course: These guys never let you down there. And their execution was generally at a high level. How odd, I often think, not to hear horns flubbing. How odd to hear them play their notes sure-footedly. Don’t they know that horns have a divine right to flub?

If you as a listener are looking for perfection there are plenty of recordings digitally mastered to appear flawless. The concert experience is a different animal – many times for myself it boils down to simply getting what I listen for.

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UPDATE: added a screenshot of the Watt Stand.

• Name this bell accessory
  A video loaded in the cycle of videos in the upper left column (pictured at lower right), has me wondering about the added piece of plastic on his bell. I imagine that it makes the bell resting on the leg more comfortable. Is this commercially available?

• Featured principal
  Gabriel Kovach is featured on the Phoenix Symphony blog.  As principal horn he is doing a super job week after week.

• Ha ha you’re a riot
  As a follow-up to last Friday’s “Audiences Gone Wild!” post, I did find this. (Really? The Belgian Revolution?)

• A different kind of Wiki
  From the Uncyclopedia, a definition of French horn.

• A different kind of humor
  This video you will either really like or really not understand – a humorous look at a fairly typical conversation at an orchestral audition. This gets a PG-13 rating for some foul language.

• The story of Sidd Finch
  It was 25 years ago when George Plimpton pulled a huge April Fool’s Day Joke with his story of a French horn playing pitcher for the Mets. (The original story.)

• Hit or miss
  While some critics in Chicago are naming names and pointing fingers at clams, some audience members have said “enough.”

  At Horn Logic one of those critics even steps up and responds.

  In a related matter, this quote in reference to the Vienna Phil was interesting, especially the last sentence:

The Vienna Phil.’s sound was extraordinary, of course: These guys never let you down there. And their execution was generally at a high level. How odd, I often think, not to hear horns flubbing. How odd to hear them play their notes sure-footedly. Don’t they know that horns have a divine right to flub?

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It did not take long to find a version of this bit on YouTube, which is embedded below. You can hear the great Bobby Corno in action about 2:20 in! Conductors don’t like clams, which this clip illustrates well.

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Click the thumbnail for the full view.

Musicians that make noticeable mistakes in concert make easy targets for the discerning music critic. Some critics might even go so far as to name the perpetraitor in print, publicly shaming the instigator.

Some of the greatest concert halls in the world are pockmarked with good intentions. Horn cracks, clams, yodels and splee-ahs in particular can be quite spectacular.

In a satirical look at a nightmare headline posted last May, the Halloween Photoshop spectres imagine a doomsday headline that would be any musician’s worst Halloween nightmare.

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Everything we see hides another thing, we always want to see what is hidden by what we see.

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Triple horn?!

Bah — those are for wussies.

It was only a matter of time before horn players realized the need for the next generation in ultimate horn design. The heavy demands and pressures of the solo, band and orchestral professions has lead Horndog Enterprises to forge a new, innovative path.

Horndog Enterprises — in cooperation with several prominent symphony and solo horn players — and professional weight lifters from the World Wrestling Federation — announces a new and exclusive French horn for the ultimate musical experience.

Combining the piccolo B-flat, high F, B-flat, F and B-flat basso horns, it has been dubbed the Corno Ultimo. It is the finest, most ultimate and most awesome creation in all of horn history.

The Corno Ultimo features a PERFECTLY in-tune and even scale, and is guaranteed 100% clam-free or your money back.

Included with each order is a special holding device — FREE of charge — to facilitate performing on the instrument with relative ease and maximum comfort.

Order yours today!

[ Click on the thumbnail image for the complete view.]

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The famous painting Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci is a pivotal work in the history of fine art. Very few other works of art have received the intense level of analysis and critique (and parody) as the Mona Lisa.

This aside, it was one of the first portraits to place the subject in front of an imagined landscape. It’s use of intense light and dark contrast — chiaroscuro — was unique in its time.

Probably the most talked-about aspect of the Mona Lisa today is her enigmatic half-smile.

At last an answer may have been found. Click on the thumbnail image above for the complete view.

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In awarding a Jaded Clam award to New York Times critic Allan Kozzin, I had in the back on my head an old review remembered from childhood. I recently found it in a crate of old memorabilia.

The reviewer manages to skewer both the principal horn and Bruckner in one title. This from the Indianapolis Star ca. 1980.

Ouch — but at least he did not mention any names.

While the criticism has nowhere near the venom of Mr. Kozzin’s attack on New York Philharmonic principal horn Phil Meyers, it still is one for the record.

As an aside, I might actually agree with the “enigma” part of this title. Sometimes I just don’t get Bruckner.

It’s a joy to play, but honestly I can’t listen to more than 10 minutes of any of his symphonic works without getting a bit snoozy.

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A great deal of attention has been flagged here recently on the issue of cracked notes on the horn – otherwise known as “clams.”

History shows that there is nothing new about “clam anxiety” as this review from 1953 shows:

To a sympathetic audience, a French-horn player is often the object of grave solicitude. Even the best of them sometimes lip up confidently for a Wagnerian horn call only to burble or clonk out a sound like a moose cough.

This is the opening sentence in an old TIME magazine article. It continues later with quotes from concerned audience members:

“He’s tempting fate,” warned one nervous woman from her seat. … “It’s miraculous,” said another listener. “You’re always afraid he may not be perfect this time, and he always is.”

And just who are they talking about?

It is none other than Dennis Brain of course, in a review of a festival concert headed by composer Benjamin Britten.

Born into a family of horn players, Brain apparently took great care to take of his lips; according to this article he reportedly had them insured for £10,000, which at that time I imagine would have been an extraordinary amount of money.

Just breathe

There can be many reasons for a case of the clams. For myself, air speed and embouchure control (my “chops”) in tandem play a factor in the “clams” – especially after a breath.

I would venture to guess that 75% of bloopers occur after a breath. If the embouchure, after opening wide to take the breath, is not snapped back into a solid playing position, the “clam factor” can go off the scale.

Dennis Brain was known for his breath (and clam) control and he most likely learned this from his father Aubrey, who was also know for amazing breath control.

There is a story that Aubrey once bet a violinist that he could sustain a note longer than the violinist could. The violinist drawing out one stroke as long as possible lost to Aubrey, who held one note for 75 seconds.

Pretty amazing!

The most delicate and controlled pianissimo I have ever heard by the way, is in a 1926 recording by Aubrey Brain. An expertly remastered recording of the Brahms Trio, Op. 40 at Sotone.com is something to be heard. The recapitulation of the main theme is nothing short of sublime. And in the age prior to splicing and editing, there is not one sour note to be heard. The Mozart concerto on this CD by the way, is regarded as the very first horn concerto ever recorded.

The complete TIME article:

• Young Man With a Horn

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My audition days are long over and honestly, I do not miss them.

Yet, in the process of taking 30 to 40 auditions (and spending thousands of dollars) I did learn quite a bit. I won a few, came close a handful of times and I must confess, got nowhere more times than I care to remember. Given the statistics involved in orchestral auditions (Jason Heath has calculated something like a 4% chance), I am in good company.

I have been obsessively watching the Olympics – both on television and online – sometimes simultaneously. The online viewing experience of live feeds has been a revelation. The technology behind this experience, simply put, blows my mind. I highly recommend it: there is no audio commentary, you get to see uncut footage and behind-the-scenes views.

Comparisons and analogies between sports and the Olympics to orchestral auditions have been done many times and I wasn’t sure that I could bring anything new to the conversation. Yet, from this experience I became inspired with a few analogies of my own:

• Like auditions there is lots of waiting around. This is probably the worst part of the audition experience. Your brain gets thinking too much, you are anxious to perform or are waiting for results. (This scenario brings to mind the legend of the Sword of Damocles.)

• At least so far, China has the highest medal count. Like in other sports there is a home-town advantage. The same can be true for audition candidates. Sometimes a vacant spot in an orchestra has been covered by a local freelance musician for a period of time prior to the audition. That musician, being intimately familiar with the situation, has a tremendous advantage.

• As illustrated with 4×100 swimming relay, “talking smack” and “trash talking” (making negative comments to opponents to intimidate them) happens. In athletics it is a means to psych out opponents and to psych oneself up. This happens at auditions. While not common, I occasionally ran into blowhards that said the most amazing things. Sometimes this can backfire – the French 4×100 team’s smack-talk gave the American team a stronger motivation to win and smash the world record in the process.

• At the Olympic level, the world’s best athletes are chosen to compete. At this elite level, the competition is internal, not external – whoever makes the fewest mistakes wins. On any given day, any one of the top five athletes in any field could win the gold medal, but it all comes down to who slips first at one particular moment.

On the French horn in particular, accuracy is an issue to be concerned with. At auditions, committees and conductors do not want to hear cracked notes, and in many cases even one cracked note can be enough for them to eliminate a candidate.

A former teacher of mine would drone the comment, “do it again, this time with 100% accuracy.” At the time this drove me up a wall, but in hindsight I know this to be true.

Critics at the New York Times, regularly point out cracked horn notes in their reviews. An August 12th review illustrates an example.

The horn remains the wild card in period-instrument orchestras, and in modern ones too. And if you find yourself cringing when horn players falter badly — as I did on Aug. 5, when Concerto Italiano played three Vivaldi concertos with prominent horn parts — caveats about the instrument’s intransigence come quickly to mind…

As is often the case, when Concerto Italiano’s hornists were good, they were great. Their sound had a fascinatingly gritty texture, much closer to the horn’s hunting-party origins than to the mellow, warm sound of a modern instrument. But when they were off — oh, dear, what a mess!

The critic goes on to discuss the many e-mail comments from horn players which rationalize horn player’s missed notes:

I am supposedly a raging cornophobe with some deep-seated resentment of horns and hornists.

“Cornophobe” … that is genius word-smithing.

To win an audition, you cannot miss notes. You must think and train like an Olympian going for the gold. Mistakes happen, but they cannot be rationalized.

You either get the gold, or you don’t.

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