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Opinion and Parody: The ‘New and Improved’ Louisville Orchestra
As if things could not get any stranger, the management of the troubled Louisville Orchestra has been soliciting replacement musicians through the popular classified ads web site, Craigslist.
While I do have some colleagues who have successfully used Craigslist to buy, sell and trade items, I would rather put my hand into a box of angry bees than to ever get involved with it.
The history behind this bizarre managerial move is much too complicated to get into, but it is suffice to say that this is just one of the many strange tactics that have been employed during the Louisville Orchestra (LO) labor conflict. The LO management has repeatedly engaged in arbitrary deadlines, unreasonable ultimatums and open solicitations for replacement musicians.
(For more background on the whole scenario, take a look at the compilation of articles at Drew McManus’ Adaptistration site.)
A den of inequity
In short, the LO musicians have been locked out by their management. Much to the credit of the LO musicians, they have managed to keep their public face classy and have avoided the extreme hyperbole and histrionics that have characterized other orchestral musician responses towards similar unfair management practices.
The LO management, on the other hand, asserts that the musicians are not locked-out but are on strike – even though an official strike has never been declared.
For many months every dirty trick in the book has been exercised by the LO management in order to force the situation towards their favor. Their latest action of soliciting musicians through Craigslist is certainly unprecedented; given too the dubious reputation of Craigslist itself, it is also outrageous.
A quick search of recent news items related to Craigslist reveals some of the criminal activity that regularly goes on:
- Craigslist Used in Deadly Ploy to Lure Victims in Ohio
- Craigslist Scams Cheats Apt. Hunters Of Thousands
- Madison Police See Rise In Craigslist-Related Scams
The ‘New’ Louisville Orchestra
Until recently, Craigslist was commonly used as a hook-up point for illegal prostitution and the service did very little to hide this fact or act against it. It wasn’t until late 2010 that Craigslist shut down its adult-services section, following pressure from state officials and human-rights advocates as well as the highly publicized April 2009 murder of a woman who advertised “massage” services on the site.
When considering this history, one cannot help but wonder what the future Louisville Orchestra would look like if they were to actually hire musicians through Craigslist.
Perhaps the line-up will look something like this?
* * *
Principal Flute
Vanessa “Candy Lips” Fox
I am so happy to be a new member of the Louisville Orchestra! As a street-level worker who is intimately familiar with the service industry and doing what I am told, I am very familiar with this territory. I think that I will fit in perfectly.
The schedule is really great – I can still keep my late-night side career going without any conflicts. The late morning rehearsals are perfect – they let me sleep in after a hard night’s work.
Some of my johns … er … I mean “freelance customers” might even get a kick out of the whole flute thing! Back in high school (when I was in band camp) my milkshake brought the boys to the yard.
Third Horn
Cindy-Lou Coomlowdy
This is a perfect opportunity for me. Since I just graduated from college, I desperately need a job to pay off my student loans.
Some people may look at this negatively but I look at it as a golden opportunity.
Who cares if this undermines the futile efforts of those other stupid musicians or if it ruins my future prospects for employment?
I need a job now and this is what I need – I can’t wait to get started!
Section Cello
Ralph “The Party Man” Ventura
WOO HOO! All righty righty yeah …. YEAH … woooooo!!
This is awesome (*hick) and I … what, what were we talking about?
Oh yeah … WOOOOOOOO!!! All righty righty … cello is sooooo AWESOME!!!
Hey, is there a bathroom nearby? I think I’m gonna be sick.
Percussion
Marty Rock-Angerball
Yeah I used to play drums back in junior high school. It’s like riding a bike ain’t it? You never forget how to do it – right?
I play just fine. You hear me? I SAID that I play … just … fine.
So shaddup and start waving the stick Mr. Maestro.
Conductors do not intimidate me. If one of those losers disrespects me, I’ll shank that a**hole and teach ‘im a lesson he’ll never forget.
That goes too for anybody that says I play too loud or whatever. Just give me some sticks and a drum to bang and we are all good to go.
I can’t wait for the Mahler Sixth symphony hammer-time. Those old ladies in the front row won’t even know what hit ‘em. Heh heh.
Wait… what?! You say that Mahler 6 is not in the upcoming season?!
I will have to fix that.
Principal Oboe
Johnson K. Johnson
The oboe is a beautiful instrument that requires a beautiful mind to play it. I am beautiful in all aspects and am relieved that the Louisville Orchestra has recognized that fact.
My life is complicated and my first concern is looking good and feeling good.
Does this dress make me look fat?
712 articles: BRUCE HEMBD is a web marketing developer by day who plays French horn professionally at night.» More information about Bruce Hembd » More articles by Bruce Hembd » Contact
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